Realizing You're Broke

When I finally realized...

"I'm broke..."

My heart sank straight down to the bottom of my boots.  My body went stiff and I felt as if the wind had been suddenly pressed out of me.  I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't believe what I was seeing!  The only thing I could think of was...


"How could this happen?
How Could This Happen?

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?"

My credit card statement was twice what I thought it was, and twice what I had been budgeting for.  At first, I tucked the statement away and tried to put it out of my mind, but for two hours the next afternoon I combed through my budget, through every purchase, through every expense, through every bill and every necessity and the only thing that I could come up with is...


"Yup, I'm broke."  


In fact, during my vain attempt of sorting out my finance I happened to stumble upon the remaining balance of my Student Loan, which, I am sorry to say, ended up putting me another three years before my desire to be debt free was fully realized.  So not only was I broke, i was extremely broke.  I was devastated.  I nearly broke out in tears.  No matter what I tried, no matter how many times I moved the numbers around I always came down to the same conclusion.


I
Am
Broke.


I wasn't terribly surprised.  I wasn't shocked.  I had always known that my "travel now, pay later" theory would catch up with me and at that moment I knew that it had.  I sat and really thought about what I needed to do to get back on track for my future.  I pictured scenario after scenario of the things I needed to do, or not do, to help me first get out of debt, then to build me a cache of cash to allow for savings, an emergency fund, one months rent and enough to allow me to travel on cash.  


I had to swallow the bitter reality that I would be 30 before my entire financial goal would be complete.  That was over three years away.  It seemed to me that everything I loved would be denied me for three years.  I could no longer afford to travel, I could no longer afford my motorcycle insurance, I could no longer afford to go for drinks, or purchase more clothes for my already sparse wardrobe.  I could no longer afford to eat out or even to waste gas.  I could barely afford to live.  


Driving home was excruciating.  The severity of my life had a chance to sink in and depress me down through my faith and down through my hope and straight down to the only place were despair lives.  I blinked back tears as the anger I felt threatened to rise up and spill down my face.  I was in such a suffocating situation.  It was the beginning of a new year, a special year, THE most important year in the history of people (2012) and I was broke1  It appeared to me that the next few months, and possibly years, were going to be lonely, boring and dull.  My future was grey.  


Once inside I crawled under my covers and I closed my eyes and let my tears come.  I had to face the facts.  I had to face the truth, that old, ugly bitch, that I spent myself into a coma.