Accepting Help

When I went broke I broke down.  I didn't know how I was going to live, let alone how I was going to tell people about my problem.  Since I've always considered myself a good 'not-spender' I often ducked out of dinners, or drinks with friends because I knew I couldn't afford to eat out all the time.  Going broke meant I was facing a situation that didn't allow me to go out for drinks or dinner ever.  Or at least not for a long time.  

It bothered me to have to tell my friends "no" should they ask me to do something fun.  I didn't want to have to explain to them all that I couldn't afford it, that I was broke.  Being broke was embarassing and I rather wished I didn't have to talk about it over and over again.  However, I knew I couldn't stop them from asking, so I ended up putting an announcement on my facebook page stating that I was broke, and so please refrain from asking me to do anything that cost money.  I had nothing to spare.  I had nothing to give.  

It pained me to write it, but I'm glad I did.  People were so supportive, offering suggestions and relieving some of the pressure.  They were really helpful and told me not to worry, that it happened to everyone.  But I couldn't help but be angry at the fact that it hadn't happened to just anyone, it happened to me.  

Once word got out my closest friends offered to help me.  Some by offering to help make me more accountable for my cash flow and some by offering to buy me things.  It embarassed me to have my friends offer to buy me dinner, or drinks, or dog food.  I felt that I had gotten myself into this mess that I should be forced to get myself out of it.  But they insisted.  And I let them.  

Still, it was hard to be at the end of a meal and awkwardly sit and wait for them to pay.  I didn't want to seem like I thought I was entitled to a free meal, or free support from them.  I wanted at least to be able to pretend that I could pitch in.  But the truth was I couldn't even pretend anymore.  I had nothing.  

One especially good friend of mine offered to take me grocery shopping to help me load up on food for home to hold me for a while.  At first I had to decline.  That was too much.  Thank you, I appreciate the offer, but I couldn't accept.  By this time, I had grown used to feeding myself on a sparse budget and had decided in my head that I would be just fine without help.

She insisted.

I couldn't resist.  I was on the phone with her and she was saying that I didn't need to pay her back, that it would be a gift, and that she knew I'd do the same for her if she was the one who needed it.  Her offer was so generous that I couldn't help but realize the gravity of my situation.  I couldn't survive with no food, and when she was speaking and calling it a gift, I couldn't help myself.  I chocked up, my throat closed, my breath stopped coming and I started to cry.  She was being so generous, and I couldn't even afford the phone call it was coming in on.  I needed her, I needed her help.  I had to face the fact that I couldn't do this alone.  That I shouldn't do this alone.  I had to break down the blocks of my pride and accept her help with a gracious "Thank you.  I need it."  How silly it is that the phrase "I need help" is one of the hardest to say. 

She came over, bought me dinner and took me shopping.  We walked every inch of that grocery store and she bought me things that I could never before afford.  She didn't care what the price tag was, all she cared about was that I had enough food to get by.  

All she cared about was me.  

I had to learn to let myself go.  I had to learn to open up and accept the help being offered me.  I had to learn to let go and allow her generosity to support me when I couldn't support myself. 

She took my breath away saying, "you'll like this, grab 4" and, "you can live off of these, take a couple" and "what else do you need?"  Our final tab was more money than I've ever spent on food ever.  She was laughing at me, watching my face.  I kept watching the cashier scan item after item and the total rose and rose and climbed to petrifying heights!  

"Relax!"  She told me.  "It's ok.  Don't think of it."  

Don't think of it!?  I was in shock.  There was no way I could ever purchase that many groceries!  I could feel myself going over my budget trying to find money to put towards this shopping trip.  I watched in disbelief as she handed over her payment and I walked like a zombie as we left the store with our loot.  When we got it home and put away I realized that she had done so much for me with what she considered to be 'nothing.'  I couldn't help but thank her and thank her for her gift.  

When she left I had to sit and get over myself.  If I was them and I wanted to help me I'd want me to simply be gracious and accept the gifts as gifts.  We are all here to help each other through this life, the lesson to learn is to accept that help when it's needed to be able to someday give the help when needed by somebody else.  

It is my time to focus on me.  It is my time to accept the generosity of my friends and those who care about me.  It is my time to replenish so I may one day be able to give back to them.